I can't quite believe it - three years old already!
You're still so much my little girl that I have to actively remind myself that you're not so little anymore. You're growing up so fast and changing so quickly, so here is a snapshot of where you are on your 3rd birthday.

Physical:
You are our fearless little one who is ready to try anything. You LOVE going to your gym class every Tuesday evening with Daddy. You climb, swing, bounce with so much enjoyment and great co-ordination and strength. You love going swimming with us and will happily jump into the pool whether or not we're ready to catch you! (We're working on that one...). You're happy to get your face wet, to try and swim on your own with just the pool noodle tied around your back keeping you afloat. You are riding a tricycle so well at the moment. We found a little blue one that we decorated with pink tassels, a pink horn and a little basket that you love riding. As we go down the street, you tell us repeatedly how fast you're able to go on your bike! Matthew has started riding a two wheel bike and I can see the gleam in your eyes as you know that one day you'll be doing the same! We need to introduce you to the balance bike - you'll love that! You love running around outside with Matthew. You can't beat him in a foot race, but you certainly do try! We all have such great fun outside in the circle with our friends from across the street, Abigail and Claire. If you guys aren't climbing the tree in the front yard, you're playing in the hedge, climbing over branches and inventing games. What a delight to watch! It's everything I could ever have hoped for, for your childhood.
You are still going to your gym class once a week. You are really good at all the physical activities and gymnastics. You love spending that special time with Daddy, and I know he loves it too. Lately you've been giving him imaginary baby ducks to carry around the gym, and when you arrive home, you have your hands cupped in front of you and you tell me that you've brought your little duck home. So. So. Cute.

Verbal/language:
You language/talking has just taken off in the last couple of weeks. You used to get SO frustrated with us when we couldn't understand something you were trying to say. Now you're able to explain the word to us and pronounce it more clearly so we can hear it. Your words are so cute and we love hearing you talk! You say "peep" for sleep so cutely. And my personal favorite is your mix between beautiful and pretty - peu-ti--ful.
You learn a lot of your phrases from your big brother, so we're hearing a lot of "What can we do now?", or "I don't like this!" (referring to food). You're a great eater by the way, but very often you'll want to be just like your big brother and so if he doesn't like his food, you won't eat it either. Your favorite meal of the day is breakfast - you love frosted mini shredded wheat!
You love reading books... by yourself! You enjoy hearing us read to you, but more often then not, you'll be sitting next to us "reading" your own book. You hand us a book, tell us to read it to you, and then start reading your own book. And if we stop, you notice straight away and tell us (in an exasperated voice) to carry on reading! It really is quite comical.
I love listening to you read, "Green Hat, Blue Hat" and :New Hat, Old Hat". You're read those to Katy for nap time on occasion too - just adorable! And Katy loves it!

Social:
Your best friend? Definitely your big brother. You LOVE playing with him, and you guys make up such intricate and imaginative games. This morning you both found a stuffed toy (leopard for you, tiger for Matthew), put sock on them and then treated them as your babies. Currently you're out riding bikes with Daddy, and your stuffed animals! A sure way to break your little heart is Matthew saying he doesn't want to play with you. That and taking away your beloved pink blanket.
The joy you guys find in playing with each other is just beautiful to see. It makes us so very happy. I look forward to when Katy is old enough to join in your games. I can just imagine the fun you'll have together!
Your other friends are Abigail and Claire across the road. We've played with them all Summer long and you have all spent a lot of time together.
Kate is another of your friends, although we don't see her as often. You always play "babies" when you're with her, taking turns to be the mother.
Just recently you've started to become nervous around new people and in new situations. You've always been our fearless one, ready to run into any situation. But as you get older, you're a bit more hesitant and need Mommy or Daddy to be by your side.

It's amazing to think that you're 3! You've been our little girl for so long, and it's taking a bit of getting used to!
You are determined to do things on your own. Sometimes this can drive your Dad and I nuts, but we know that you're just trying to learn and grown on your own. And we're trying hard to help you do that. You're able to almost get yourself completely dressed, you are learning to use the potty, you use your fork and spoon so well, and there are so many more things that when I stop to think about it, you do all by yourself!
We love the way to make us laugh out loud at the things you say, the expressions you pull, they way you act. You do this really cute bum wiggle when you dance. You have such exuberance and your laugh is just infectious.
You are an incredibly special little girl.

It's been a while since I've written, so I thought it was a good time just to tell you how we're all doing and tell you about a new addition on our website.

Firstly, the website... I've been aware just how fast time is passing (it really does speed up with each child!), and I've been looking for a way to capture and remember some of the more "normal" day to day life as we're living it. We're pretty good about capturing the big events, but I've been looking to find a way to document the other stuff. Next year I want to try a project called "A photo a day or 365 photos" where I take a picture every day and compile an album, but that just wasn't happening this year. Then I came across something called '10 on 10' where people would choose a day to capture, take a bunch of photos of things that happened during the day, chose the best 10 and published it on the 10th of every month. So, I'm a day late (so I did 11 photos instead of 10), but that's what I'm going to be trying to do. So today I carried the camera around all day with me and had lots of fun taking photos! So you'll notice the link on the side bar on the left.

I haven't had a chance to tell you what a WONDERFUL birthday I had last weekend! I was up early with Katy at around 6am, as is usual nowadays with her. She gave me a lovely full nights sleep from 8pm until 6am which was lovely, and I really enjoy our time together in the morning having a cup of coffee and playing on the carpet. It was nice to have my birthday on a Saturday this year and be able to spend it with the whole family. As soon as the kids were awake, they came racing through with my gifts. Lots of lovely smelly things for the bath. Hilton gave me a massage pad that fits onto a chair or onto the couch. The kids and I had great fun trying it out.
A while back I told Hilton how good I had been by not buying Katy any new clothes because I had all of Emily's hand me downs, but how I really wanted to because I was tired of seeing the same things on Katy. Well, Hilton gave me the 'birthday gift' of taking all 3 kids to the park and sending me shopping at the consignment store guilt free to pick up some things for Katy. I had a lovely time indulging and getting some cute little outfits for Katy.
After lunch and nap time, we spent the afternoon outside riding bikes and playing with the neighbors. We got the kids down to sleep earlier than usual and very easily, and then got dressed up for our dinner date. When I went to kiss Emily and Matthew good night, wearing my "fancy clothes" - a skirt - Emily looked me up and down and said, "What's that thing?" pointing at the skirt. We had a good laugh about that!
With the kids all tucked up in bed, we were able to enjoy a delicious meal. It was the perfect ending to a really lovely day!

That night Matthew started throwing up and was sick for the whole of Sunday. We kept him home on Monday since he was not eating and could barely function. Tuesday he was looking better, and all was on track for me to go to school with him on Wednesday for a Mothers day tea but he threw up again on Tuesday afternoon, so we stayed home from school on Wednesday too. By Thursday he was feeling much better and eating well, so he went back to school today. We thought we had been lucky that no one else got sick, but today Emily started acting "off" -  wanting her blanket, complaining that she was tired all the time, not really eating and then tonight after baths, she started throwing up too. Hopefully it's over quickly with her, we'll see in the morning.

Katy had her 4 month check-up today. She's doing great, weighing 14lbs now and babbling and trying to roll. She's also determined to try and sit by herself and the doctor mentioned that she might be an early walker. Considering that Matthew walked at 11 months, Emily at 10 months, I'd hate to think of Katy starting earlier than that! As mentioned earlier, she's sleeping really well at night. She goes down without a fuss at 8pm and half the time she'll sleep through until 6am, and the other half, she'll wake up for a feed once during the night. She had 3 shots today and had a mild fever this afternoon which luckily went away by the time she went down to sleep. Maybe we'll be really lucky and she won't catch the tummy bug that the older kids have. We've tried to keep them away from her as much as possible, but it's really tough. Matthew has only just today been allowed to touch her again and he's just heaping on the love! This morning, I was busy in the kitchen rushing to get the lunches ready and Katy was fussing on her playmat. Matthew always takes it upon himself to try and keep her happy and occupied by giving her toys and making funny faces at her. If you get within her reach though, she'll grab onto your hair very tightly and she seems to really enjoy it. After listening to her fussing for a while and hearing Matthew trying to soothe her with toys, I heard him say in a very resigned tone of voice, "ok, Katy I'm ready for the hair pulling game" as he leaned down close to allow her to grab his hair. And sure enough, she stopped fussing :)

We bought an outside plastic playhouse for the kids for Summer which has been sitting (un-built) in our front room for the last two days. The kids are so excited to put it together! So that is on our list of tings to do, as well as a trip to IKEA (call me crazy but this is my Mothers Day treat - we don't exchange gifts on mothers and fathers day as we feel that there are just too many times during the year that you have to buy a gift, so we do a special outing or homemade gifts instead. My special outing is going to IKEA guilt free to buy some new bedding for the kids beds that they really don't need but that I really want them to have! I love having a husband who knows me well enough to know how much I'm looking forward to this! Also, I get a free breakfast on mothers day at IKEA, which is a saving of $1.74!)

The wading pool is open this weekend because we're getting spectacular weather for the next two days and Matthew is really excited about going. We are so pleased to see his enthusiasm, because swimming has been going really badly for him these past few weeks with a new swim teacher and then back to an old swim teacher who just isn't the right fit for him, that we'll be going both days if possible. He's even keen to try out sitting on the pool noodle in the wading pool which is great to see!
So lots of sun, shopping and outside time for us this weekend!

Activities:
Matthew is such an active little boy! He loves to run, jump, race, roll, wrestle, tumble and so on.
He has swimming lessons three days a week after preschool for half and hour. It's taken a long time for him to build up trust with the swim teachers and he is still not confident in the water unless held tightly in someones arms. He is making progress little by little though and even though they are small steps, at least he's moving in the right direction. He's happy in the wading pool which is only 2ft deep or splashing around at the edge of a lake, and I'm sure one day will be just as happy swimming in the big pool.
Matthew got a tricycle for his third birthday and has loved riding around on it. In October we bought a balance bike for him which is a two wheel bike without peddles. He wasn't interested at first and only sat on it a couple of times. We adjusted the seat, padded it and encouraged him to try it again a few months later and this time something just clicked! He now zooms all over the place on his bike! He has no fear going down a steep hill on it, racing around the park or up and down the street. To see his confidence on it is really wonderful! He'll soon be ready for a proper two wheel bike!
Matthew also loves racing. Whether it be on his bike or just on his own two feet. He's also obsessed with winning, but that's just an age thing and something we're working on. Matthew has remained true to his first love of diggers/construction vehicles. We bought him a space rocket for Christmas but he'd rather play with his diggers. So I'm sure he'll be pleased with the big backhoe that's hidden in the cupboard for him! Whenever there is dirt or sand or mud around, Matthew is ready to dig. Nothing pleases him more. Both kids were so happy when the sandbox was reopened after being packed away for the whole of Winter. Nothing frustrates Matthew more than having a digger without the correct dump truck or the other way around!
Matthew also loves watching tv, and having family movie night. This year he's had a wide range of favorite programs like Richard Scarry Busy Town, Blues Clues, Fishtronaught, Chuck the truck, My Big blue friend, Shaun the sheep and Pingu. He also really enjoys playing on the computer and is quite good at using the mouse and key board. He really loves playing Boowa and Kwala! lately he's also become enamored with watching Star Wars cello every morning before breakfast. He is so intent while he watches it and never forgets to ask for it each morning!

Family:
Matthew really is a big brother. He is protective of his sisters and most times is very sweet to them. He adores Katy and it's almost guaranteed that she will smile when she sees him! He loves to lie down next to her, talk to her and play with her. If she needs a diaper change though, he'll wait outside her room and call out "is her diaper clean yet?" before coming in. There are the usual sibling rivalry issues with Emily and because of their close ages, they often want to play with the same toys which can cause some problems, but when they play nicely together it is an absolute joy to watch! Watching them holding hands and walking around together is another sight that melts my heart every time!

School:
Matthew really enjoys going to preschool. He has a bunch of friends there (most a year older than him) and he seems to get on well with the teachers and other kids in his class. He has a swimming lesson after each school day for 30min which he doesn't enjoy as much because swimming is a challenge for him. He doesn't like being in deep water and has trouble trusting someone to hold him safely. He's made small steps of progress throughout the year and it's not as big a problem as it was at the beginning of the year. We're still working on it though.
His school friends at the moment are: Larry, Austin, Theo, Brody, Braydon and Collen

Challenges:
Matthew is a typical little boy learning to deal with his anger. He gets a bit rough with Emily and us at times and is learning (the hard way) how to cool down and use his words instead of his actions when he's angry, Controlling his body when he's angry is currently what we're working on!
We've also discovered that Matthew is color blind. He can't distinguish between green and orange and has trouble with blue and pink as well. Very often he'll call something "greenish orange" to cover both possibilities :)

Personality:
Matthew is a very sensitive little guy. He likes to be close to us in new situations and when he's unsure of things. He loves listening to music but will pick up very quickly when it makes him feel scared or sad and ask for it to be turned off. The same goes for tv. If things get too scary (such as the big bad wolf, a witch, a "bad man") Matthew will want it off immediately. He loves to be tickled and to wrestle. He loves his goodnight hug and kiss and gets quite upset if he doesn't get it, same goes for when Daddy leaves in the morning. Matthew will often say to me, "Did I tell Daddy I love him? Did I give Daddy a hug? Did I give Daddy a kiss?".
Matthew loves to tell jokes, he always wants to know what we're talking about, he's at an age where he wants to be heard when he's talking and doesn't like being interrupted. Matthew loves to read and will hear you reading from across the room and come and settle in to listen. He loves to ask questions and understand things. Matthew has the sweetest smile. His is full of love and luckily still full of cuddles. We are the VERY proud parents of this little boy and can't quite believe that on one hand we've only known him for 4 years and on the other hand, that 4 years has passed so quickly!

A quick update on how our precious little Katy is doing.

She is full of smiles at the moment and we're loving it! When she wakes up, she gives the biggest grins - it's my favorite time of the day. She has started grabbing things in front of her or just above her on the play mat, and started kicking her legs up in an attempt to roll over. It's all very exciting to see. The kids love seeing her "growing up" and starting to do new things. She's found her fingers and loves to suck them, as you can see in the photos.
She has started sleeping through the night about half the time. And I mean real sleeping through the night - falling asleep between 8:30pm and 9:00pm and only waking up at 7am. The other half of the time she will wake once, usually around 3am or 4am. It certainly makes it a lot easier for me to be getting some sleep!
She doesn't sleep great during the day, I think that she thrives on the noise and chaos and when things are too quiet, she'll wake up. But luckily she doesn't wake up grumpy, she'll have a short 10min snooze and wake up happy and refreshed. So really we have nothing to complain about! We're loving watching her grow and develop!

You can see some photos here.

Katy 2 months	Emily 2.5 months	Matthew 4 months

My story of battling Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG)

Summer is coming to the Pacific Northwest soon (hopefully in July!) and with it comes memories of my pregnancy with Katy. And sadly they are bad memories, in fact, horrible memories.

Let me say firstly, that my battle with HG was not considered severe or life-threatening to me or to the baby. When you read other stories of HG survivors, you’ll see that many have suffered far, far worse than I did. This is just my story.

When Hilton and I first started talking about having a third child, we knew that I would probably suffer from horrible morning sickness like I did with both Matthew and Emily. We hoped it wouldn’t happen, but we were expecting it. Because of this, I started to do some reading about coping with morning sickness, so at least this time I would be better prepared, since my two previous pregnancies were really tough, Emily’s more so than Matthews.

When reading a review about a book on morning sickness, I read the comment, “This book might help those people suffering from normal morning sickness, but not for those suffering from HG. This book ……. is better.” Immediately I was curious. What was HG? And I started researching. As I read more and more about Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG), I felt like crying with relief. I had finally found a name for what I went through with both my other pregnancies. It had a name. Other people suffered from it. It wasn’t all in my head. It could be helped with medication. I hadn’t had it half as badly as some others. Basically I had the assurance - It was real.

It was also very scary. I found out that people who suffer from HG have it worse with each pregnancy and it’s unlikely that you’ll have a HG free pregnancy once you’ve had one already. But I was now armed with information. I literally gobbled up information about this condition. I read the book recommended, I read blogs about other women’s journeys through HG and I became familiar the criteria for being classified as having HG, with the medication recommended, the side effects, and how the doctor would most likely treat me.

We now faced having to bring this up with my OB-GYN (the same one that we went to for Emily’s pregnancy) as a ‘self-diagnosis’. It hadn’t been picked up with either of my other pregnancies, so I felt a bit awkward telling her that I thought I had suffered from this horrible condition and was most likely to again. I was worried that I would have to convince her that it was real, that maybe she hadn’t heard of it before, or wouldn’t agree with prescribing the medication until things got really bad. We walked out of her office that day with the biggest smiles on our faces and feelings of immense relief. She had just had a baby girl and had suffered from HG during her pregnancy. She knew exactly what we were talking about, she knew how to treat it and could give real hands on advice.

Her first piece of advice – plump up, as you’re likely to lose a lot of weight. Perfect timing, as we headed off to South Africa for a 3 week trip to celebrate my sister’s wedding. I ate with gay abandon!

We fell pregnant in May and waited for the first symptoms to appear. We took the pregnancy test on the night before Matthew’s 3^rd birthday. I remember the excitement of finding out we were pregnant, but more than excitement, I remember feeling fear. I was so scared of what was about to come.

I had told Hilton that “it was only 9 months out of our lives, we can get through it”, and “I’ll be stronger this time, and make myself eat” and a whole bunch of other things that all proved to be really, really wrong.

In HG cases, the morning sickness starts much earlier (5 weeks as opposed to 6 or 7 weeks) than in other pregnancies. Sure enough, 5.5 weeks pregnant and I was ready to start taking prescription medication to help and control the ever increasing nausea. I remember exactly where I was when I made the decision. I had taken the kids, by myself, to Idylwood Beach Park and I was sitting on the sand watching them play and feeling sick. Part of me thought I should wait until it got worse before taking the medication but in the end I went home and made the call to the doctor so I could pick up my pills. All through my pregnancy, I was worried about the amount of medication I was taking. I had always been told not to take anything while pregnant, and here I was on 6 different medications, but I knew I had no choice.

Things went steadily downhill from that point onward. To be honest, I don’t remember much of that time. The days passed in a blur of trying to look after the kids, letting them watch way too much TV while I lay on the couch and begging Hilton to come home to relieve me. Somehow I was still preparing meals for them and Hilton, but I wasn’t eating anymore and I was barely drinking. Water was a real trigger for me. Seeing it, tasting it and hearing it. I would gag whenever I brushed my teeth, until the dread was so much that I just wouldn’t brush them. I wasn’t eating anything anyway…

I felt like I could drink the flavored fizzy drinks from Trader Joes, so Hilton stocked up on those. I lived on those drinks for months. I could manage tiny sips, a little at a time. But I was so thirsty all the time. Hilton would beg me to eat, encourage and insist. I don’t remember if I did.

I was just so tired. At times, I felt it was unsafe for me to be around the kids and I think I even called Hilton home a few times because I was worried I might pass out. Eventually it got so bad that Hilton decided that we needed a Nanny to help out during the day. He couldn’t leave work to be with me all day, and I couldn’t be alone with the kids.

Monday morning and the Nanny arrives. She seems nice. I remember lying on the couch, barely moving, barely keeping my eyes open. I’m really not feeling well. Hilton was worried about me, so he called the nurse at the doctor’s office. He tells them that I am 8 weeks pregnant, not eating and I’ve already lost 17lbs. She tells him to take me to the Emergency room right away to get fluids for dehydration. We said goodbye to the kids, they were so confused and worried. I can’t blame them, they had only met the Nanny an hour before. I cried in the car. I was scared.

Trying to explain what was going on the doctor in the Emergency room was tough. I felt silly and like I was over-reacting. I was put on fluids for the dehydration and given IV Zofran. Hilton went home to be with the kids and I remember just lying there, half awake and half asleep. Feeling so, so sick. After 3 bags of IV fluid, the nurse asked me if I needed to use the bathroom. I said no. She went out to tell the doctor. I heard the doctor tell her that if I didn’t need to use the toilet after 3 bags of fluid, they had better give me a forth. So I stayed for another bag of fluid, after which I “passed” the test and used the bathroom. Hilton came to pick me up. I felt slightly better after having the fluids, but I was still terribly weak and tired and still feeling sick. I lay on the couch all afternoon while the Nanny cared for my kids and made supper. Matthew was so concerned for me, he was so worried. And that worry still exists today as every time I go the doctor, he wants to know if I’ll be coming back of if I’ll stay at the hospital.

That evening we got offers from both moms to fly over from South Africa and stay with us. It was really difficult having to ask for help. It felt to me like I was failing as a mom, and in a way I was.

We made the decision to accept the offers. We just couldn’t cope. And 3 days later my Mom arrived.

The time that my Mom was here is the most difficult time for me to remember.  Partly because I was now on 6 different medications, and the combination of them made me incredibly drowsy. I battled to wake up or to stay awake. The other reason was because this was the worst time for me.

I barely saw the kids during this time. I would sleep in during the mornings, maybe get up at around 11am to have TV time with the kids, where I would lie on the couch some more. I can’t even think about the TV shows that the kids used to watch during this time without feeling really sick. The theme music plays in my head if I even think of them and the trigger is so strong that I instantly get taken back to that time. And then to be honest, I don’t know what I did the rest of the day. I think I probably slept some more, or lay on the couch. I remember lying on the couch during their bath time and watching ‘House Hunters’ on HGTV. Another show that I don’t watch anymore.

I was eating 2 teaspoons of oats in the morning and maybe at other times of the day. I was drinking a bit, but still not touching water. I returned to the ER during this time for more fluids and my weight hit its all-time low. I lost a total of 25lbs.

I lost touch with the world. I didn’t keep up with my emails, I didn’t talk to my friends and I didn’t leave the house much. It was a really low point for me. I mentioned to the Doctor at one of my appointments that I thought I was suffering from depression, because I just lost interest in everything. But she said that it was all probably related to my being so sick and by the time the medication started making me feel better, the HG would probably be fading and I would be feeling better. Luckily she was right.

As the 3 weeks with my Mom drew to a close, I remember an outing where we took the kids to the lake to watch hydroplane boat racing. It was the first time I actually felt like eating something. I ate one cherry. I was so scared to put it into my mouth, but it actually tasted good. Then I felt like strawberry ice cream. It was such a breakthrough! (In the end I landed up having some vanilla ice cream since they didn’t have strawberry that day). But it was one step closer to returning to normal. And the other thing that changed that day was that I had a lovely time with the kids. I had hardly seen them in the previous weeks. I felt totally disconnected from them. I didn’t know what they spent their time doing anymore, I couldn’t cuddle them or be with them much and the guilt from that was over-powering. Here I was, bringing a new baby into their world and about to disrupt their lives, and I had just become an absent Mommy. It was the worst thing for me to have to deal with. Amazingly there is a book called Mama Has Hyperemesis Gravidarum (But Only For A While) which (I hoped) helped the kids to understand what was going on.

My Mom left after about 3.5 weeks and Hilton’s Mom arrived. I was more alert during this time, and starting to feel a bit better. I dropped one of my medications, the one that made me feel like I was living in a fog, and that helped a lot. I started eating sandwiches with cheese and marmite. They had to be made a certain way, with toast and with the cheese melted for 10 seconds exactly. I remember the night when I suddenly said to Hilton that I wanted marmite. He left straight away to go and get some from the store. It was that big of a deal to us. I soon found that there was a bread sold at the bakery next door to Emily’s gym class that I loved, and if I had my sandwich on that bread, I wanted two sandwiches – whoo hoo! My weight hit 139lbs at its lowest and now it was starting to stay there and not drop anymore.

We were all a bit worried about what would happen when it was time for Hilton’s mom to leave, would I be able to manage, to cook and look after the kids? We knew the answer to that when one Saturday, while Hilton, my Mom-in-law and the kids were eating ham sandwiches at the dining room table and I was lying down, I called Hilton to the bedroom and said, “I’m SO scared, but I REALLY want a bite of your sandwich”. I had one tentative bite and it was delicious! I then added ham to my 3 sandwiches a day. I also started drinking water again. I was just so thirsty one day, and the juice just wanted helping me at all, so I just closed my eyes and took a big gulp from a glass of cold water. It felt so good! After that moment, I was drinking water all the time and did so for the rest of my pregnancy.

We celebrated the 4^th of July up at Big Lake with my Mom-in-law and friends and I was able to eat! I could have cried with joy when I went back a second time to put one tiny spoon of macaroni salad on my plate. It was over, it was going to get better, we were going to be ok.

From that point onwards, I improved physically, slowly but surely. By the time my Mom-in-law left I was able to cook meals and look after the kids. It was a huge change from what I was like when she arrived. I also started to stop taking some of medication that I didn’t need anymore, but I was scared, in fact terrified to give up my main nausea medication (Zofran). I felt addicted to it, not physically, but emotionally. It was my security blanket.

We planned a trip to the Great Wolf Lodge in October and I suddenly realized that I wouldn’t have enough pills for the trip. I frantically phoned the doctor to get my prescription rushed so I could pick it up before we left. I was so worried about not having enough. After the first day there, I got distracted and forgot to take my pill and the same for the next day and then I suddenly realized – I didn’t need it anymore! It truly was over.

Physically, the HG didn’t leave any lasting problems. Once it was over, the last months of pregnancy passed pretty easily with just the usual issues such as discomfort, sleeplessness and tiredness.

Emotionally, it’s left scars on our little family. For a long time afterwards and still sometimes today, Matthew will worry when I say I’m going to the doctor. He wants to know if I’ll be coming straight back or if I’m staying there. Memories of the ER…

For me, it was one of the most difficult times of my life. I had very dark moments when I didn’t want to be pregnant anymore, when I didn’t want another baby. It was so hard to admit that then, and it is still hard to admit it now. I desperately wanted another child, which is why we started this journey knowing what we did about my condition. But when I was going through it, it was harder than I could ever have imagined.

It was so difficult to bond with this new baby while I was pregnant. I worried that it was a mistake getting pregnant.  I worried constantly that I wouldn’t be able to love this new child. I felt like I couldn’t admit this to anyone except Hilton and my closest friend. But I worried about it all the time. Eventually Hilton just said to me – Stop worrying. It’s going to be impossible not to love her when she’s here. We will love her, she will love us. It’s not her making you sick, it’s not a problem if you don’t feel complete love while you’re so sick, it’s ok. It will all be just fine.

And it was. It is. Katy is just wonderful and he was right. Despite her dramatic birth, when she was put into my arms, there wasn’t any leftover resentment, not an ounce of feeling like we’d made a mistake, not even a little bit of worry about if I could love her. I already did.

I wasn’t sure whether to write about how it affected me emotionally. I know that Katy might read this someday, that she might hear about what it was like being pregnant with her or she might have questions about what it was like when we were waiting for her to arrive. And I don’t want to pretend that it was something that it wasn’t. I don’t want any lies. I want her to know, completely and utterly, how much we wanted her, how loved she is. How she is really deeply and completely loved no matter what her pregnancy was like, no matter what thoughts and worries I had. Illness can do that to you. It robbed Matthew and Emily of their mommy, it robbed Hilton of his wife and it robbed me of time with the people I loved most in the world and it robbed me of the joy of being pregnant. But you know what, that’s ok. It’s over and all that is important is life now, here in this moment. And I’m so lucky, because life is good, very good.

Since Katy is about to be two months old, I thought it would be a good time to give you an update on how she is doing. I am painfully aware of how regularly I would update everyone about Matthew and even Emily, and how many photos we took of them, so I am hoping to be at least semi-regular with Katy.

Katy is nursing really well and I get lots of comments on how much bigger she's getting. At her last doctors visit (3 weeks ago), she weighed 10lbs and the doc was very pleased with that. Shes moved into 3 month clothes because she's not fitting into her 0-3 month stuff anymore. I think I was in a bit of denial about how fast she's been growing because it took two separate people to mention that her clothes were looking a bit small before I realized that she couldn't really stretch out her legs! So we've just done a big clothes reshuffle and now she has a lot of nice new, cute things to wear and is probably more comfortable! Since she's my last, it's a bit sad to see her growing (as I'm sure both mothers can relate to!), but there's no use denying that fact that she is!

Katy is sleeping pretty well at night. I wake up about once, maybe twice, but we only get her down to sleep very late. 11pm is considered early, usually it's about 12 or 1am. Sometimes as late as 2am. Hilton and I believe in teaching even a really young child to sleep on their own in their crib. So we have never done co-sleeping with any of our kids. When Katy falls asleep in our arms or bouncing on the ball, we put her down in the crib/cot. She usually wakes up and we repeat the cycle as many times as needed until she stays asleep. It's more work and many people would disagree with us, but it's what we feel is best. During the day she hates to sleep unless she's in my arms, driving in the car or in the baby Bjorn (baby pouch). So I'm finding it difficult to manage that and give the older kids the attention they need and deserve. We're still trying to work out how to handle this, she's a very different sleeper to our two others so it's like we're learning all over again.

Matthew absolutely ADORES Katy. He is forever fussing over her, trying to hold her and cuddle her. Sometimes it can be really challenging. Emily is definitely having a harder time adjusting. She really craves time and cuddles with me, especially the cuddles part. And having a baby means that I'm not hands free much, so Emily tries to get me to put her down so she can be in my arms instead. She throws lots of tantrums and really likes to control situations like what to wear, where to sit, etc. I feel really bad about it, it breaks my heart when she's just crying and begging me to pick her up but I have just got Katy to sleep in my arms and I can't. I've been told that it takes about 3 months for the family to completely adjust to the arrival of a new baby. I'm pretty sure that she'll be fine and it's just a matter of time, but it's hard watching her go through it. I really thought she would be all over the baby like she is with her baby dolls, but Matthew is more like that and Emily is more stand-offish. 

Just before she turned 6 weeks, we got a glimmer of a smile and since then we've seen some big, happy smiles, but nothing that we can catch on camera or that we can get her to reproduce. You can she she's trying really hard, but is not quite there yet.
She's just now started enjoying her bath. She used to scream till she was blue in the face whenever it was bath time, but we've started her on a regular night time routine that means having a bath daily and she's started enjoying it now, although she still hates being cold, so getting in and out are still unpleasant.
She tries to suck her fingers, but as yet is unable to get them into her mouth. It's most often her fist that she's suck on. We've tried the dummy a few times, but she hasn't taken to it.

Since she's not mobile at the moment, there is nothing much else to say. We're busy learning what she likes (bouncing on the ball, watching Matthew, lying on the play mat, being bundled in a blanket, being carried in a pouch, eating, her mobile...) and what she doesn't (the dummy, being cold, standing still when you should be bouncing, daddy's arms when all she wants is mommy) and it's quite exciting to get to know her and take this journey together.

Wednesday January 4, 2012
I had a regular doctors appointment this morning. I was concerned that the OBGYN would talk to me about inducing labor as I was a bit worried about my fluid levels and I also hadn't felt the baby move much in the past couple of days. I asked Hilton to come with me because I wanted another opinion if the subject of inducing came up and also because I was worried that something might be wrong. After dropping Matthew off at preschool, we headed over to the doctors office. I remember chatting to Hilton in the car about what would happen if they did actually find the baby in some distress and we had to have an emergency C-section.The doctor checked me and told us that I was 4cm dilated and she also stripped my membranes. After chatting to the doctor a bit, she said that she'd like to do a stress test to check that the baby was moving enough. So we were led into another room where I got to sit on a comfy chair and be hooked up to monitors to check contractions and baby's heartbeat and I also had a button to push every time baby moved. I had one small contraction while lying there for 20min, and I also felt the baby move about 4 times. The doctor took a look at the results and decided that we should just do an ultrasound to check that the baby was doing the correct breathing motions and to check my fluid levels. At this point Hilton and Emily left to go and pick up Matthew from preschool, while I stayed behind to get the ultrasound done. The ultrasound showed everything was fine with baby and so we were told not to worry, and sent home to await her big arrival. Little did we know that her arrival would happen so soon!

At home that afternoon, Hilton went back to work and I spent a quiet afternoon with the kids because I was feeling quite sore and crampy after the doctors appointment. The evening proceeded as normal with no indication of what lay ahead!
The evening as were getting ready for bed at about 11pm, I started feeling some pretty painful contractions. They weren't regular though and they didn't last very long or intensify. So I assumed that like previous times, it was something that would fade. I even mentioned to Hilton that I would have to be 100% sure that it really was labor before I woke Holly up in the middle of the night and dropped off our two sleeping kids. I was waiting for that first really painful contraction that would signify to me that this was the real deal. So we lay in bed chatting and reading with me occasionally commenting that I was having a contraction that was sore, but not sore enough that I couldn't talk through it. At about 11:45pm, I had a really painful contraction. The type that I knew was real, but I told Hilton that I thought we should wait for another one before we woke up everyone, possibly for a false alarm. I then lay down to go to sleep since it seemed I wasn't going to have another one. As I was lying on my side, I had another really painful contraction, I felt a distinction "pop" and then water gushed between my legs. I gasped and then if I remember, I said to Hilton, "crap, my water just broke!" I managed to roll out of bed (to protect the mattress!) as Hilton went to fetch towels. I was in a lot of pain, I remember telling Hilton a number of times to get dressed, get dressed! It was now 12:20am on Thursday January 5, 2012.

As we got closer to Emily’s birthday, Matthew kept asking if she would still look the same on her birthday, and if she would still be a little girl? I assured him that although she was getting older, she would still be Emily and look just the same – this seemed to reassure him greatly!

A little girl is definitely what Emily is. She loves babies of any type, real or not, animal or human. In fact she calls anything small ‘baby’ and will proceed to find a mommy size and a daddy size of the same item. We’ve tried to correct her, but it’s really too cute and I’m sure that she won’t be doing this in college, so we don’t have to fear. If you ask her what her favorite color is, or to identify any color, she’s answer blue – so I guess pink is not on the radar yet!

She loves to pretend play and will happily “cook” in the play kitchen, feed her baby dolls, put them to sleep and so on. She is also happiest when included in Matthew’s games. She’s not quite able to follow what he wants her to do, but every now and then you’ll see then interacting perfectly and understanding each other. If Matthew is around, Emily wants to be with him. Either playing next to him, with him or doing what he tells her too. She really does adore him. She understands his routine and is content dropping him off at preschool and excited to pick him up again after swimming.

Emily loves playing peek-a-boo and hide and seek. It’s especially funny to watch her try and hide in the corner or some other random place and squeal when she’s found.

She also loves her weekly routine of going to gym class with me. She has really grown in her physical abilities and is adept at climbing on all the play structures and taking part in the gymnastics. She’s still as fearless as she’s always been, so anything new is tackled with enthusiasm and no hesitancy at all. This can be especially challenging when she’s trying to imitate her older brother on some of the bigger play equipment at the playground or around the swimming pool!

Emily has really begun to assert her independence and her control over situations when she’s able to. She has strong opinions about what she wants to wear (and when!) and where she wants to go and how things are meant to be. Since her communication is still not great, sometimes it’s a bit of a guessing game to try and work out what is upsetting her. It can be as simple as which door she wants to use to get out the car, or as complex as which color fork she wants to eat which food with on which plate.

She’s recently had a real boost in her ability to communicate which has helped a great deal with this! She’s always talked a lot and had much to say, but her sounds have been indistinguishable and very hard to understand. She’s just now beginning to use the proper sounds for her words and even started changing some of her ‘old’ words into ones that we can understand. It’s been lovely getting to really communicate with her!

Emily loves reading in a very different way to Matthew. Matthew would always listen with great interest when you started reading and even if he was busy with something else, if her heard you reading a book, he would drop what he was doing to come and listen. Emily on the other hand loves to read herself. She’ll half listen to the story that you are reading and then as soon as you’re done, she’ll ask for the book and proceed to read it herself from front cover to back.  She will continue to do this long after the light has been turned off or after you’ve left the room. In the morning, we’ll often find a huge pile of books lying next to her bed even though we had left her with only one book when we turned the light off.

Emily loves to cuddle more than anything else. And if she finds you on the floor or sitting down, she’ll climb onto your lap for a cuddle, or two or three. Often asking for “baby’ which means being held in a baby position, sucking her thumb and blanket and being sung to, “rock-a-bye-baby” being her absolute favorite – especially if you “drop” her at the end J Any chance for physical attention is taken with Emily, she’ll climb into your lap, lean her head on your shoulder, wrap herself around your legs or ask to be picked up. If you’re lucky, you’ll even get a great big hug around your neck!

Emily also has the ability to make us laugh, no matter what mood we’re in! She pulls the funniest faces, just out of the blue. And not always when someone is watching her. We’re not sure where she gets it from, but it can send us into giggles every time!

Parenting Emily so far has certainly been different to Matthew’s first two years, but in a completely fun, surprising and wonderful way. We look forward to seeing what comes next with our little girl!